Paying It Forward

That's my Tom on the left. The one great love of my life. The picture was taken in 2009. It was late summer and he had just had surgery on his rotator cuff which is why his arm is all bandaged up. If you look closely he is giving me the finger because I told him not to stick his tongue out when I took the shot. Something he always does when I want to take his picture. I'm surprised he didn't stick it out any way. The other guy is Tom's oldest brother who just had bypass surgery on his heart. Their brother Greg had invited us all to his house for a family cookout. Something we don't do much since their parents passed away in 2004 and 2005. Tom is the baby of the family but he (with my help) looked out for both of his parents until they passed away. Somehow after their mom passed from Alzheimer's, both brothers kind of looked up to Tom as the strong one. He visited his mother every single day with her favorite candy bar and a Pepsi even after she forgot who he was. The other brothers couldn't bear their mother not knowing them so they very rarely visited. She said to me one day, " I don't know who that nice man is but he is so handsome and such a friendly person. You just have to stop and talk to him when he delivers each day." I told her I had heard he has a good mother who taught him to be friendly and respectful. She agreed that his mother did a fine job. This was the first time I saw my husband cry in front of me for his mother.

Another day I received a phone call at work asking me if I could get hold of Tom because his father had been yelling out his name all day. She said she was the nurse who was taking care of him and that I should tell Tom that he might consider again calling in Hospice. Hospice? Why? His breathing was very labored (he had emphysema and a bad heart) and his heart rate was very low. I told her I would call Tom at work and get him to the facility. But when I called and relayed the message he didn't say anything except "Can you leave work and run interference for me and call me as soon as you get there?" Sure I will. And I did. When his dad saw me he pulled the oxygen mask off his face that the nurse had just replaced and said, "Honey please tell her I do not want it on!" I told him if he would put it back on until Tom and the boys got there then he could take it off. "Where's Tommy? Tell him to hurry up and get here!" Within 10 minutes in walked my husband and his two brothers and a hospice nurse who quickly injected my father-in-law with some medicene to calm him down. I forgot to tell Tom about my promise to his dad.

I had to leave to go close the store I manage and just as I told Tom's dad I would be back in an hour he looked up at me and said, "You don't have to go. Your workers can close that store." I told him I wouldn't be gone long and as I left the room he called my name and said, "I love you honey." He survived through the night with his three sons in tow and early the next morning my husband, who had sent me home to get some sleep, called and asked me to get dressed and "come back to try and talk Dad down." As I walked in the room the first thing I noticed was the oxygen mask and asked why he was still wearing it. Tom asked me what I was talking about. I told him about the promise and I was so sorry. I told the Hospice nurse the mask had to go. She explained it wasn't keeping him alive just comfortable. I replied, "No, he looks to the oxygen as a life line and he will hang on until it is removed." She very nicely told Tom I didn't know what I was saying. But this husband of mine "got it." The mask came off and his father passed away peacefully ten minutes later.

This is my husband.

Jump to late summer 2010, he started complaining every now and then about his legs aching and sometimes having to stop to give them a break before he could continue walking a far distance or up a long flight of stairs. Then he'd say it was just old age. He had turned 50 that May and figured pains were going to start happening. I paid little attention because frankly I agreed with him. I had more aches and pains too. But something wasn't right when I started noticing bruises popping up here and there for no reason he could give me. So I did what good wives do, I nagged at him until he made an appointment with our family doctor. Imagine how shocked we were when they quickly diagnosed Acute Leukemia. I've written various details and accounts of Tom's battle this past year. Two major rounds of chemo, the second which his oncologists believed put him in remission. Wow, did we all celebrate! The stem cell transplant was going to seal the cancer cured! We were all so sure! He still weighed 182, down from 205 on April 17, 2011 as they gave him the cells donated by his older brother (the man on the right in the first photo). This was Tom on that day:

I took two photographs, but guess what? The other one showed him sticking his tongue out at me. Some things never change.

When he came home after transplant he was a lot weaker than I had ever seen him. And was just not interested in eating. Nothing for days. He grew thinner and thinner. As he trekked to see his oncologist for blood cultures twice a week she didn't seem concerned and actually said that it was normal. So he could tell me to stop nagging him about eating.

In May they did the first marrow biopsy to see if he was still clear from blasts. Actually now I suspect his oncologist saw a problem in his cultures before scheduling this. Tom says this isn't true, but I have found out other things here lately that he "forgot" to tell me or "thought" he told me. But he didn't forget to tell me this time. The cancer cells were back at 50%.

Fast forward to two week ago. On Sunday morning Tom asked his brother if he wanted to play dice, their favorite game. Tom had been feeling puny so both Allen and I were surprised. Allen, who usually wins, was surprised that Tom kicked his butt in both sets of game and told Tom he was done. Tom laughed and laughed. He was sick but up and moving around, still driving and happy. The next day he was hospitalized with Cdiff. He was completely dehydrated within 24 hours. We couldn't pour enough fluids down his throat to replace what he kept losing. Cdiff can cause excruciating pain in the abdomen, but Tom would not take any pain medication because he said the pills made him too sleepy. Why isn't anyone at the clinic seeing what I'm seeing I asked his brother. I don't know was his answer. Well damn it you better start asking them since you are the one who goes with him.

Fast forward to last weekend. He came home after four days in the hospital but promptly started going downhill again. Greg was suppose to come spend the day with Tom since Allen had doctor appointments. At 7:30am Greg still had not shown up and I told Tom no problem I would take the day off and stay home with him. He assured me Greg would get there soon and I should go on to work, he would be okay. When I didn't hear from him by noon, which is unusual, I called his cell phone. I asked if Greg made it in after I left? No. Later on? No. You mean you've been there all by yourself? Yes. Have you had anything to drink or eat today? Not since you left. You can't walk to the kitchen without hurting can you? No. I'm coming home right now. Okay baby. I made it home about ten minutes before Greg showed up. "You didn't have to take off from work Cheri." Do you see what I see here Greg? Look at your little brother man! I didn't know Cheri. He stayed for a couple of hours and left. Saturday afternoon I wrote the Contemplation blog post. We thought we still had possible options. I stayed up all Saturday night because I was afraid he'd get up and try to walk to the restroom alone. He did get up three times that night. Something he never does. By Sunday morning he told me I was right he had to go back to the hospital. He couldn't wait until Monday for his appointment. I called the Fire Dept directly instead of 911 because Tom didn't want to scare the neighbors and make a commotion. This is my husband folks.

Early Wednesday morning he called me at 5am, an hour before I normally wake up.

I see the doctor today.

I know baby.

It's not going to be good Cheri.

What makes you say that?

I dunno.

I'm going to come up there this morning.

No, go to work and I'll call you. He wanted to hear first to prepare for me.

He called me at 8:05am on Tuesday. "The doctor is going to call you in a few minutes."

"Why?"

"It's not good honey, they can't do anything else for me. I want to come home." He started crying.

"Of course you will come to your home and be with me!"

The hospital released Tom on Wednesday afternoon after Hospice arranged to deliver and set up a hospital bed in the spot his recliner sat in. He likes this spot because he can sit back and see everything going on in the house. I've been sleeping on the couch off and on for almost a year when he is gone. Now we're sleeping head to head. Well he sleeps. I haven't gotten much sleep since he came home. He wakes up at all hours and wants something to drink or to talk to me. And he can't walk now. He can barely move his legs at all on his own because they are in so much pain. But his spirit is soaring! When he is awake he wants to call his friends and family to come right away to see him and when they give him an excuse as to why they can't he's kind but very blunt with them. 

"I'm dying soon and if you want to see me you better come now."

The best man at our wedding called me a few hours ago and said he would be here at 9am. Why didn't he tell me how bad it was? He did tell you, you just didn't listen to him. He has no hard feelings Joe, he just wants to see you to say goodbye. Tom loves you very much. Joe started crying. It will be okay I tell him, Tom is going to go on his journey so happy! Be happy for him Joe, I mean it.

My niece asked me today how I can be the one that comforts everyone else when they should be comforting me. I don't know Nicole. But today a very wonderful woman, Mrs. Caruso in the Portland area called me and told me I am experiencing a gift from God so that Tom may go to be with Him and I can let him go. She too believes as I that families are forever.  Tom will soon get to see his Mom and Dad and his older sister born before he was and his grandparents and family who will know him that he has not met here on Earth. Mrs. Caruso's spirit out of love was so comforting. I am indebted to her son Robert for connecting us.

I have my mother who is grieving for a son she will be losing but staying strong for me. Also aunts and uncles and lots of cousins from three families (Mom's, my father's and my Dad's) who are supportive and all love my husband. I have friends in real life like Debbie and Donna and friends through the keyboard like my 8pm Warriors Tribe and Mike and Nate and Kathy and Greg and Emily and Elizabeth and Matthew and Derek and Brian and Andrew and Kyle and Abbie and Matt...so many people never met in real life or that I have only met once or twice, have folded their prayers and love around us.

So many people are coming by tomorrow and over the weekend. Tom was watching television and napping in his favorite spot in front of the french doors when I took this shot yesterday morning. It is now in the early hours of Friday and I'm writing this post and I hear him sleeping so deeply. He woke up about an hour ago and said, "Hey baby can you get me a cold Pepsi?" He drank half the can and went back to sleep. I pray that his dreams are sweet and that he gets to stay here a little longer with me. I'm going to miss him so much but I know that we will meet up again when it's my turn. I usually am the one in this relationship that ties up the loose ends nice and tidy. Why would I think this situation would be any different? The thought makes me smile. That's my husband.

I shared this with Nate I think but the coolest thing someone told me in the last two days right after I spoke to the oncologist was:

"You know Cheri, we love Tom. Tom is the kind of man that every man wishes he could be."

Thank you. But he's also the kind of guy that every woman wants to be married to also. I would know.